Adrift
by Lost Lantean
Summary: Her gloved hands reached for the access panel, easily pulling away the plate of hardened metal to expose a few sealed and insulated cables along with the metal handle. She grasped it firmly and tugged, wondering exactly how she was 'supposed' to feel at this moment. T for depression, suicidal thoughts.


Tali'Zorah Vas Neema recalled that there was a time when she believed in happy endings. A time before her mother had died and her father had become as distant and cold as the light that made it to the fleet from Tikun. When she'd believed that she'd go out into the galaxy, make her mark and return with a gift that would finally bring words of praise and pride from her father. Now, as she stared at the dull white surface of the Neema's secondary airlock, she knew differently.

Her gloved hands reached for the access panel, easily pulling away the plate of hardened metal to expose a few sealed and insulated cables along with the metal handle. She grasped it firmly and tugged, wondering exactly how she was 'supposed' to feel at this moment. If successful, her use of the lever would trigger the emergency release and a spring loaded mechanism would wrench the outer door open in less than a second. The air trapped in the roughly fifteen by four meter chamber would rush out into the void carrying her along with it and three or four minutes later she would finally be free of everything.

Exactly what would happen after that was still an unknown to her, and the thought that it would be a painful way to die gave her pause. But it did nothing to stop her increasing fascination with feeling the breath being pulled out of lungs bit by bit. Nor did it prevent her from imagining what the stars would look like without the filtering of viewport glass or her purple mask in the way. She gave the mechanism another weak tug with her steady hands.

In a way she thought she'd be more scared at this moment. What lie beyond was an unknown, though in truth she fervently hoped there was nothing. No ancestors to judge her, no hell to torture her forever, no human heaven where she would spend eternity forced to worship something she couldn't see as good, no neutral afterlife where her misery and loneliness would simply be extended indefinitely. Perhaps all the time spent fighting had burned the fear of death out of her. Though she didn't exactly feel the hope and liberation she thought this moment would bring her either.

She tugged again, still not mustering the strength she needed to trigger the mechanism. All that stood in her way was her own lack of will. Perhaps the thought of how Shala would feel when she found out also contributed to her lack of strength. Whatever it was, Tali slowly let go of the lever and withdrew her hand. She had no reason to be in here and if anyone figured it out, she'd become a burden on the fleet as people rushed to try and fix her. Looking around the airlock once more she reattached the access panel and turned to the inner door, intent on heading back to her new quarters.

She knew that sleep would eventually come for her wandering mind, though even the dreamless hours wouldn't leave her feeling refreshed and fully awake in the morning. If her sleep wasn't dreamless and she was lucky then she might dream about the day and time that she finally gathers the courage to end her miserable life. If she wasn't, there were a couple of nightmares waiting for her. One showing the kind of relationship she wanted to have with her commander even though he'd rejected her as kindly but firmly as possible. The other made her watch him have that relationship with someone else.

She shook her head in an attempt to clear the ever darkening thoughts from her head while she navigated the living deck. The noise of the crew came from everywhere and even though she was supposed to be used to it, indeed as a quarian she was supposed to thrive on it, it was overwhelming. Despite this she looked around as she walked purposefully towards home, seeing groups of quarians milling about, discussing whatever topic was at hand or playing some form of game on their omni-tool or even just lounging with what little space they could claim. In the back of her mind she could hear the advice Shepard had given her before she left the Normandy: 'Just walk up and say hi. Introduce yourself and see if they have anything in common. Be confident and funny and even though it won't work on everyone it'll make you new friends.'

She looked down at her boots as she bitterly rephrased his advice: 'Be everything you aren't and some people will like you.' With a mental sigh she added 'Until they see just how worthless you are or you creep them out by developing feelings for them and they leave.' With another inaudible sigh she shook her head and wished she could feel better about the end. After all, she'd helped him come to terms with Mindor and Azuke. That their friendship had been strong enough to allow that and thinking that, had he not been killed on the Normandy, it would have allowed him to live a happy life should be a comfort. But as she slipped though the tapestry that formed her door, she didn't feel comforted at all. Instead her insecurities and loneliness simply ate away at her as she sat down on her bed and activated her omni-tool. She had another night to get though and then more days than she wanted to consider after that.

A/N: I apologize for the relative lack of quality and the OOC nature of this.


End file.
